| An FYI of how long it really takes to disappear. |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|10:00 pm] |
Of all the things to say and do...
All of these things that push and scrape.
All the time that seems to escape.
Us.
And this.
But
We are just pawns
and I've requested a sword to defend against a king and his prince
in a battle for what's real
and what's make believe.
None of you know what I'm thinking.
And I'm not even sure I ever want you to know again. |
|
|
| It's party season again... |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|11:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Q and not U | ] |
Okay Okay. I can't resist.
This last Saturday ruled. How about another top ten greatest moments, eh? I think so!
1. The best and most exciting part was when Steph and I went to Hippie Creek and met Triston, Trey and friends. They are seriously the coolest people ever. We just randomly met them there and were like "hey dudes, wanna smoke some pot with us?" "of course!" It was pretty sweet. Steph and I knew it'd happen sooner or later...
2. Steph Tanner's house show. Not bad for 2 bucks. I had so much fun.
3. I made out with Andrew. Period. What a sweet dude. Where ya been all my life man? haha I <3 you.
4. Lots and lots of dancing/singing/moshing.
5. $2 all-you-can-drink mixed drinks despite the fact that they weren't very strong...tasted quite excellent.
6. Francie/Andrew/Matt/Me's photo moment in Steph's living room, followed by matt practically falling down the stairs.
7. The ride back to Amy and Ashley's. Matt drove my car. "MATT SLOW THE FUCK DOWN" "IM NOT SPEEDING MEGAN SHUT THE FUCK UP" "I LOVE YOU MATT" "I LOVE YOU TOO NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DRIVE" kcool. I love you Matt. I was so fucked up I'm glad you didn't let me drive.
8. Francie taking the "you know whats" from "you know where" for later ;)
9.. I continued dancing all night at Amy and Ashley's. Got Amigos and drank another bottle of wine...and smoked some cigs of course.
10. Having a really really great fantastic "after party." Designed specifically for two. ;)
*sigh*
more like it soon, no? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|11:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Q and not U | ] |
Wow. It's been a long time.
Still no time for a real update.
I'd just like to say to all you fine ladies and gentlemen of the 402...
What the fuck is up?????
peace out.
ps. don't worry matt. i'm back. kduhbitch. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2005|01:31 am] |
|
ps i have a bone to pick with you. |
|
|
| Going back to school sucks campout 2005!! |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Suicide Machines | ] |
So last night was fucking fun. Campout days...
Top moments:
1. I'm pretty sure the best part of my night was when amanda and jessie and i were sitting on that couch thing talking about the weirdest shit.
2. But it also could've been when LAYKNEE, Francie and I took boob pictures on the wire spring behind the barn haha.
3. Also, just for the record. Layknee "knows someone". haha I love you.
4. Josh and I cuddled all night. He's the sweetest guy I know.
5. Matt and I fought, but we were so drunk after we started yelling we couldn't remember what we were fighting about so we just started laughing and hugged haha. We're so lame...
6. We went on a hike. SWEET DAYS.
7. Chris sat on the mattress with me and apologized. I'm pretty sure that was the most respectful and big thing anyone could ever do for another person. He needn't feel like shit, because I forgive him. But the fact that he actually told me he felt like a doosh, and that he understands if I don't want to be friends is...just impressive. He said he knew how I felt, because of what happened with Francie and Jeremy, and I told him that I was super pissed but over it now, and that it was okay and not worth not being friends over. And then I told him to take care of her, or I'd kill him. I think he took it to heart...Bottom line: it was a sweet thing to do. And I have a lot of respect for him now.
8. Steph Tanner and Suicide Machines. I love youuuuuuuu.
9. Adrian and Francie are super fucking cute. :)
10. Matt and Josh stole a coat jacket like he'd wear it to church and both looked studly I might add. And Josh and Chris were GETTING IT ON on the mattress haha. So drunk, so drunk.
There's a ton more but I don't feel like typing them lol.
Too bad my camera was broken!!! |
|
|
| fuck... |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|02:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | giggly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | matt asking if i want macoroni | ] |
fuck. fuck. fuck. motha fuck. fuck. fuck.
fuck. fuck. fuck. motha fuck. fuck. fuck. |
|
|
| When you die inside |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|03:08 am] |
I thought I was so smart. Putting every love I could ever have into another being because I thought he'd never leave.
But he did. And he's gone, and I didn't even get to say goodbye.
I've been crying since I got home. It feels as if a part of me died. Because I look back on my whole life, and I can't even remember when he wasn't there. And now that he's gone every single thing in this house reminds me of him.
Like how I put my bed against the window in my room so he could stick his head out there on the cool nights in the summer. I covered up the vent, the only circulation to my room with my bed so he could feel the night air with me as we fell asleep together. Even in the winter I kept it open for him because I knew he loved it. It was worth the extra sweatshirt at night.
Or how he'd always greet me at the door when I came home, wagging his tail like he couldn't wait to see me.
I see this stuffed animal in my room. It had a hat on with a cotton ball on the top. Shasta chewed it off and all that's left is the ball-less hat in the corner.
Or how about all those Christmases. He cuddled up next to me while all the family was getting ready for bed after opening presents and a Christmas meal and he'd never leave my side.
All those times I'd come home sad, or depressed, let down or incomplete, I'd sit down on the couch and he'd come tumbling in and jump up and fall asleep right next to me. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to understand what was going on, he just knew I was sad and he wanted me to feel better. And there is not a human alive that could ever give me that like he could.
He was my best friend.
I think the worst part is that he never did anything wrong. It was me how I couldn't be there every second of every day and how I let him down.
He was the biggest sweetheart in the whole world.
I moved my bed, away from the window and I packed my doll in a box. I went through every single fucking photo I had stowed away and picked out all the ones with just a glimpse of him.
I'll have no reason to go out the back door, there won't be anymore late nights at 3 am to let him out. It's 3:21 now.
No pitter patter of him walking across the kitchen floor or suddent scrambling across the hallway and up the stairs when I run away to my room and know he's chasing me because he wants a belly rub.
I miss him so fucking much. I miss the puppy I got when I was 6 years old, that I grew up with, that I came to love more than anything.
I thought I was so smart. I thought him, out of everyone, would never leave me.
God. I need him right now. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|03:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Death Cab- Where Soul Meets Body | ] |
"you leave but never get away from the color you swear that your life takes in this town because scenery is just a shade. you live in regret and it hurts to know how much you'll miss. I want to make it feel alright,hold you through the dark tonight. so what if now is all you have? live as if you never knew what it was to lose. honestly have you ever been honest with yourself, or are you someone elses point of view? you live in regret, it hurts to know how much you'll miss. it's what you expect that leaves you such a mess. one day you'll learn. no place will make you happier."
It hurts to know how much you'll miss.
I want to live where soul meets body. And let the sun wrap its arms around me. And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
and feel, feel what its like to be new. Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station where I send my thoughts to far off destinations so they may have a chance of finding a place where they’re far more suited than here. I can’t believe it’s true that there are holes left in both of our shoes. If the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too.
So powerless I hold you near,
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear.
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere. |
|
|
| Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up |
[Aug. 20th, 2005|05:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Ataris | ] |
On this coldest of january nights,
We drive out past the runway and watch the planes go flying by.
The runway lights are the deepest blue like the colors of your
eyes,
So close them tight and kiss me one last time.
Last night we[matt, smeyer and i] went to Steph Tanner's 18th birthday party. We drank some really good "punch" and danced to techno and listened to frank sinatra. There was a ton of people there. Steph sold her glasses for 5 bucks a piece and from what I hear from hanna made 170 bucks. It was fun as hell.
After that matt and i went to ashley and amy's party. So much shit went down there that i can't even begin to tell it all. All i can say is that last night was some hardcore partying. But it was one of the funnest nights i've ever had. Hanna came later. Their balcony is such a freaking sweet place.
And to top it all off it was just a beautiful night in general. The after math of the rain creates a barriar where the clouds are and where the sky's clear and the sun just barely setting makes it seem as though someone dimmed the lights to set the mood. I can't remember ever having so much fun.
I'm seeing Jojo again.
Matt, you're my homeboy and there's plenty left of those nights waiting for us and our crew. i love you ♥
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2005|09:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | DC- "For You To Notice" | ] |
I have goosebumps from my dehumidified basement. Sometimes the cold is nice, but right now, I'm tired of being cold.
I don't understand people. People who have everything. People who have nothing. There are very clear distinctions between the two, yet no one seems to be able to see the difference anymore.
College Essays and research are all I can concentrate on. There's a big neon sign that points me in the direction of anywhere but here, but lately I think that's just an excuse.
There's just too much history here.
I want to go somewhere where I can look at the honest strangers on the streets of the big city. That's the only place you'll find honesty. It's difficult to lie when you're not speaking. You communicate with each other as you pass, come to an understanding and move on, whether that particular stranger impacted you at all or not. But you'll always take something from it, no matter what. Maybe if I pass enough people on the street I'll have saved up enough to feel tall again.
At least strangers have the decency to look at you in the eye. Our generation has it easy, hiding behind our computers, our myspaces and livejournals. Ironic as it may be that I'm writing in mine right now...
I don't deny that I use the same tools to exploit myself as every other person. I just can't figure out why. Because it never seems to make any difference.
These past few days I've been numb to everything and everyone. I've written endlessly of my Suit of Armor, which has turned out to be one of the best things I think I've ever written. I go through periods of liberation in which I write until my senses are cleared and I couldn't possibly have anything left to say.
I've lost so much faith in people. I'm run-down and tired and there's no way I'm too proud to admit that. Pride fucks up so many things...including relationships.
I'm fine. I've been fine. I'll be fine. It's just the same feeling of inadaquacy I've felt all my life. And I finally thought that I'd never have to feel that way again...
Now look at me.
So pathetic. |
|
|
| Slowly walking |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|03:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Matt sniffling | ] |
I'm sorry I'm lacking on the pictures. I've been lazy and things have been hectic.
You'd think that time had begun traveling at tremendous speeds from all the things I hear you say. And you're name is like my favorite record on repeat...over and over and over and over...
But some things never change, and I've realized that I have to stop giving the whole of myself away. Because I feel so. let. down.
So I refuse to put everything on the line anymore.
That's over.
All you get is half. I'll save the other half for a rainy day. |
|
|
| Fire erupts in the infostructure |
[Aug. 7th, 2005|12:49 am] |
Today was my birthday.
Morgan, Matt and Neal met me at the mall and we drove around. Neal got me a candy bra...which will come into good use later ;)...when I'm hungry haha. I love you. And Morgan got me a really hot poster and a lighter...awh. I love you guys.
Morgan and I sat in my car and talked. I really actually enjoyed it. I like talking. It makes things easier to understand and less stressful. I hope we continue to do it more.
Then I went over to Amy's apartment and hung out with Ashley, Amy, Josh, Laure, Angie, Mindy and some other dude with a lip ring who I met at one of their parties this summer, I can't remember his name. We played a game and had a few drinks and it was freaking HILARIOUS. I was pissed that I had to leave because I have soccer in the morning.
I'm tired.
And all the colors in the sky turned dark as my 17th birthday came to an end and I wonder, where it all went? Why people don't remember things that are important, and say they are always there. Intentions erupt in disagreement and I can't believe some of the best people I know, some of my best friends, closest friends could forget. I'd never forget. There are colors I don't even know the name of anymore.
I've always wanted to travel in space. But I guess when I get my pilot's liscense, that's the closest thing I could ever find.
After all, you haven't seen anything until you've seen a sunset at 40,000 feet.
You haven't even seen me. |
|
|
| ILoveyouILoveyouILoveyou |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|05:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lovedrug | ] |
Freedom is pure.
It's a vision. Blurred and distorted. Do you see what I see?
Freedom is ideal
Freedom is...
Freedom...
doesn't exist. |
|
|
| My love for you has gone to waste |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|04:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lovedrug | ] |
There's desperation in my blood. I still have the scars from where they dug in deep to put it there. Crying never solves anything. And niether does pretending I don't love you. For generations we've covered the hole with litmus paper and watched it change colors until it bled a deep, dark red, staining our hands and our hearts. And all the while I saw you there, holding the bandages that would save my life. Alone and cold, I dreamt of all the power lines that connected us together and how quickly the signal passes through its structured curiosity. Well, it was lost in translation.
I envision every grain of sand that you bring home from the beach each day. I sometimes wish I were one of them, being near you and swept away into your room. You wouldn't even have to know I was there.
I wish you did now.
And the flowers once white and upright, shriveled as they bled to dust. It's difficult to try and explain why I feel so powerless in articulating why I care. It's difficult to try and explain why I feel inadequate when we avoid the topic as if dancing around it would make it disappear.
So just break down for once and say what you mean, let me see what's inside. Whether it's good or bad or genuine or fake; whether it'd bend me or break me or hurt me or shake me, let me find what it is that you so longingly wish to say so that I can strap myself in for the ride that could ultimately defeat me.
There's a special word for this, or rather, many words that collide and bend like the molecules of air that are inbetween what I knew to be true and what actually is real. If it was anything it was that the eighteen hour drive to get to you was reduced to a glance across the room, and even then you didn't look at me in the eyes. I don't know what that means. Whatever realism you possess that I've used so many times as explainations and excuses to so many things...is irrelavant now. It doesn't get more real than to ability to reach out and touch someone.
The worst part is how you greeted me as if I was a stranger. I don't know what I did to make you numb to my presence. I wish I knew. I wish I knew why someone could die to be three feet from me one moment and could care less the next.
I only wish you could've pretended to be happy to see me. I'd rather be a fool than to feel like this. I wish you could have looked at me once. I mean really looked at me. You were so sure you knew my motives, but didn't even bother to ask.
I hope you found what you're looking for.
I did.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.
So.
Goodbye. |
|
|
| <3 I love today and... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Now It's Overhead | ] |
...I love you.
I've found myself in you.
So.
Thank you. |
|
|
| ...No, they'll never catch me now... |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|08:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tilly | ] |
In a carnival of smiles our faces glow
Oh the dark can make us feel so bold
There's no cold can make us want to stay at home
Every doubt in turn explodes
It's not the fire, nor the warm drink
That heats my heart and lifts my heavy legs
Your strong hand has kept me here
No I will not go, no I will not say goodnight
I was told this town's so small it would not grow
I was told that, here, I would feel alone
There's no cold, no snow can make us lose our souls
The light we shine at once we follow
I'm asking for a digital camera for the 17th birthday. Yes. That's what I'm going to do. |
|
|
| I miss you. |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|11:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Some stupid ass cartoon crap | ] |
I miss your sweet smell of vanilla...
Matt and Caitlin: "I want to go to Neverland!!"
Neverland would be nice. People don't change there.
Wardrobe malfunctions SUCK. |
|
|
| IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|05:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | These words | ] |
BURGER TIME!!!!
Well...cheesburger time for my Matty.
I love my homies.
DEBS and burgers in my basement on a hot Tuesday afternoon...what could be better?
Even though I suck at life and I suck at my standardized tests...I will still put on a smile for the evening.
I'm genuinely tired of attempting to be creative. So all of you can just DEAL with reading my monotone SHIT. heh.
Or...not deal with it at all. You choose. k? k.
<3 |
|
|
| Ah happiness... |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|12:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Caitlin Talking | ] |
It's good to be home.
And it was a lovely returning evening. :) |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
livingproof11's journal